My HiME takes over video games
by cheemander
Summary: What happens when the HiME cast takes over your favorite video games? Read and find out! Warning: Story is pure crack.


"Wake up Nao…you're our only hope…Nao...Wake up god damn it!"

The girl's eyes fluttered open. "Eh?"

"Wake up you lazy whore!" A voice boomed.

"If you're the hooker I hired last night, I told you not to stay the night!" Nao looked around. It was an unfamiliar room. A small cabin like place with some artistic looking pots next to her bed, and a treasure chest on the end of the bed. "Wait, where am I? And WHO IS THAT VOICE!?"

"I am the author; I'll be that nagging voice in the back of your head. Sort of like a mother or wife. Except, you wanna sex me up instead of slapping me."

Nao gagged. "I'll pass. But, seriously. Where am I? Please tell me I'm not in another misplaced Shiznat sex fic. I can't handle that type of scarring again."

"No…although, I like that idea…you're in the legend of Zelda. You have to rescue the princess from Ganon! You are Link! Except you can talk, and when you do, it doesn't make people want to scream out bloody murder."

"Mmkay, so, where's my sword?"

"Your tunic and lamp is in the chest. No sword, until you rescue your mother."

Nao scoffed. "No sword? How LAME. Laaaaaaame." She opened the chest which when opened played a whimsical tune and glowed with a bright light. "Show off, much?"

"WHATEVER. Okay, you have to make your way through this game. It's a mixture of a link to the past, Ocarina of time, Majora's mask, and Twilight Princess."

"So, who's the princess and where is she?"

"…I cannot yet reveal that information."

"Why the hell not?"

"JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE."

Nao stuck her tongue out, and got dressed in the tunic. She looked very heroic, except for the fake pointy elf ears. She decided to leave those behind. The fake elf ear gig didn't work out well for the last Links either.

XXXXXXX

Nao left the house and started aimlessly walking around.

"Tard, what are you doing? You have to go towards the castle!"

"Where's the castle?"

"Hold on…let me pause and pull up the map."

**PAUSEPAUSEPAUSEPAUSEPAUSE**

"Okay, go north until you see a giant castle. You can't miss it."

Nao shrugged. "I was never very good at directions, so I'll probably end up at the other giant castle in the area."

"Oh yeah, but first, you kind of have to make it through Dodongo's cavern. A giant lizard thing that spits fire. I kind of left that out. My bad."

"The hell…can't I just get the princess, kill Ganon?"

"Aha…no. And, I have good news!"

"The news is…?"

"I got you a fairy guide!" The voice sounded kind of giddy.

Nao looked around as Nagi came prancing out in a ballerina outfit and fairy wings.

"Nagi…Navi. Brilliant." Nao muttered dryly.

"YOU TRY HIRING SOMEONE FOR THAT GIG. GO ON, TRY."

Nagi gave Nao an enthusiastic smile. "I'm here to be your guide…blah blah blah! Good thing I'm getting payed overtime."

"Over time? What else does she have you doing?"

Nagi sweat dropped. "You don't even want to know…"

XXXXXXX

"Is this the giant cavern we're supposed to be in? The one with the giant blinking sign that says **Dodongo's Cavern. Open 7 days a week. Special appearance on Friday by: Carrot Top!**"

Nao and Nagi started squealing.

"AWESOME! It HAS to be better than that Celine Dion show I saw in Vegas…the woman has the voice of a cat being raped anally."

Nao nodded. "Amen to that!"

"AHEM, attention back to the task at hand?" A giant blinking arrow appeared and pointed to the cavern.

"Oh, right…lizard thingamabob." Nao said.

"How do we get in though? The entrance is blocked by a huge bouncer." Nagi pointed to the Dodongo guarding the door.

Nao smiled mischievously. "Sweet talk him." They walked up to the bouncer. "Hey there big boy, I just happened to notice you are VERY fat and scaly. Just my type of man." She purred sluttily.

He looked her up and down. "Sorry, skankalicious. I'm not into human chicks."

"…you're into human dudes?"

"Hush, whoreasaurus. No. I'm not gay." He said sharply.

"Well, what would it take for us to get in?"

The bouncer thought it over for a minute then smiled. "Well, I've always had a crush on that Zora that lives down the river. If you can get me a date with her. You're in."

Nagi and Nao looked at each other, and then nodded. "Okay and question. Are you a character from our universe?"

He tapped his chin. "Nope, just a crazy made up thing from the mind of your author. But I bet Zora is, oh well."

XXXXXXX

"UGH, I WANT TO HURRY UP AND GET IN THE CAVERN SO I CAN RESCUE MAMA AND GET MY WEAPONS!"

"And it's in the very first room…what a shame." The author taunted.

Nagi ignored them both and continued to sip his Mocha Decaf and read about the Jolie-Pitt Twins. Didn't they have enough kids already?

Nao pointed to the distance. "There! I see the river, now all we have to do…is find the Zora he was talking about, out of…hundreds."

The two continued to walk until they reached the river.

"Nagi, take the liberty of checking if the water's cold for me, will ya?"

He scoffed. "Like hell I will! You're the hero!"

"Nao, wait. Don't go in! I have another gift for you!" Suddenly another giant blinking arrow pointed to a chest. Nao opened it up.

"A blue tunic? Blue's not really my color…"

"Do you want to drown?"

"No ma'am."

"I suggest you wear it then."

In the blink of an eye, Nao was in her blue tunic.

"Okay, what do I do now? Go up to every Zora and ask if she knows a bouncer Dodongo?"

"I guess…not really my problem." The author muttered.

"I was wondering, as the author, why are you like a giant booming voice? Like, oh, I don't know? GOD? That's blasphemy if I've ever seen it."

"Shut up you little brat. I'm not pretending to be God. I'm being a narrator type person."

Nagi and Nao rolled their eyes. Nao suddenly grabbed Nagi's arms and jumped in the water.

"CRAMP! CRAAAAAAMP!" Nagi started screaming at the tops of his lungs as there was a major pain in his side.

"I told you not to have that pasta meal! All I wanted was a drink, but nooo. You had to get something to eat. See if I ever take you to Fazoli's again!" Nao said angrily. Nagi pouted. They arrived next to the large group of Zoras.

"Okay, Nagi, look for someone that maybe resembles someone from our universe." He nodded and went to talk to them.

Nao looked around. She spotted one that looked…sort of female. She slid up next to her.

"Hello. Would you happen to know a Dodongo bouncer, and or looking for a nice man?"

"I'm a DUDE. Get away from me!" He dunked her under the water and swam away.

"A swing and a miss…" The author said snickering. "Okay, I'll give you a hint…love, friendship, justice."

"You want me to apply for the Powerpuff girls? Wait…was that from the Power Rangers? WAIT…NO, YOU DON'T MEAN…"

She turned her head to see Nagi with an angsty look on his face. "I found our Zora…"

"HE WANTED A DATE WITH MIDORI!?"

XXXXXXX

The hero and fairy walked back to the cavern trying to ignore the rants from the Zora about love, friendship, justice, peace...Blah blah.

"Author? Can you make her shut up, PLEASE!?"

"Not even I have that kind of power…but, I can give you another gift!"

**PAUSEPAUSEPAUSEPAUSEPAUSE**

A weird looking flute type thing dropped down into Nao's hands. "What the deuce is it?"

"It's an Ocarina! You can do a lot of different things! Like, play a certain song, and your steed will come."

Nao pulled out her "Ocarina: Beginner's handbook." And started playing….

She watched in awe as a giant spider dropped down out of the sky.

"Julia!" She ran over to the spider and nuzzled her.

"Ha ha, yeah, I couldn't get Epona…so I had to make do with the spider."

Nao jumped on Julia's back, pulling Nagi and Midori up with her. "Away! To Dodongo's cavern!"

XXXXXXX

The three jumped off Nao's "steed" and walked up to the bouncer. "Okay, Dodongo, we got your girl! Now you have to let us in!"

The Dodongo smiled, but Midori didn't seem too pleased. "I have one question Mr. Dodongo, are you old?"

He gave a slight nod. "Good enough for me!" She grabbed his hand, and together they ran off into the sunset...Yada yada, who cares, blah…

Nao tied Julia up to a post and put a quarter in the meter. "God, I hope this gets us enough time…" Her and Nagi opened the door to the cave and walked in wearily. Noting all the drunken Dodongos. Nao easily passed them and opened the door to the next room.

"You did it Nao! Now, if you move the boulder out of the way, you can get your sword and shield."

Nao gave a glance at the boulder that was twice her size, then at Nagi. He shrugged.

"What am I supposed to do? I'm a freaking fairy."

"You got that right." The author snorted.

"Well, wonderful authoress, can I have some bombs?"

**PAUSEPAUSEPAUSEPAUSEPAUSE**

A bag of bombs dropped into her hands and she smiled.

"NOW, I can get my weapon, save mama, do a bunch of unspecified things, defeat Ganon, and save the princess! I'll TOTALLY be getting laid by the princess after all of this."

Nagi shot a knowing glance upwards, and him and the author laughed uproariously.

Nao glared at Nagi but shrugged it off. She pulled a bomb out of the bag…

"Something wrong?"

"These are cherry bombs…"

"Yes?"

"These don't have enough power to blow up a boulder!"

"Oh, that's right. My bad. I gave the real bombs to Bomberman."

Nao growled. "Now, we'll have to find another way to get rid of the boulder!"

"Get a Goron, they move boulders all the time." Nagi said.

XXXXXXX

"Is it red?"

"Nope!"

"Brown?"

"Noooo."

"HOW CAN WE PLAY I SPY WHEN WE'RE MOVING!?"

Nao grinned. "I'll always win; stop being such a whiny beotch about it."

They had decided to travel further up the mountain to find a Goron to move the boulder. Sadly, the quarter had not bought them enough time, and they were given a stiff ticket for that, and tying a giant spider up, when the sign clearly said no giant spiders on weekdays.

"Are we there yet?" Nagi said in a whining voice.

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"NO."

"Are we there ye-"

"I SWEAR TO GOD, ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL TEAR OUT YOUR THROAT FROM YOUR BODY. WE'LL GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE."

Nagi quickly shut his trap, as they rode in silence to find a Goron. They finally saw a large grouping of Dodongos and got off Julia and ran over to them.

"Okay! Would one of you please help us here? We have a boulder that needs to be moved in Dodongos cavern, and we're willing to pay in rupees- or sex."

A couple of the Gorons gagged, but one stepped up to Nao. "I'll help you, but please, pay me in rupees."

She nodded. "Sounds good. And what's your name, by the way?"

"Yuichi."

"Another misfit from our universe…eh, good thing I don't have beef with you in our universe, oh well. We're outta here."

XXXXXXX

They had tried rushing to the Dodongo cavern, but unfortunately, Julia was going quite slowly because Nao had decided to be cheap and not get the hyper over drive from Big Lot's like the author had warned her to.

Nao abruptly stopped at a red light. "Damn it! How are we ever going to get back with traffic like this?"

"You cheaped out on the hyper over drive, a horn, AND a radio. I can't see why you're the hero, wouldn't Natsuki be much better?" Nagi murmured.

"She err…had some previous engagements. If you recall…" The author said quietly.

Nao grit her teeth at the thought of being replaced by the "biker dyke". She was already in enough pain because of the upcoming Natnao but eventually Shiznat fic from the author.

"Nao…where are we?" Nagi said nervously. Nao glanced around. This wasn't anything like Dodongo's cavern. It had trees, and bushes, and flowers…a forest!?

"I think you took a wrong turn between Giant scary dinosaur street, and Skull Kid Avenue." Yuichi said, obviously annoyed that Nao hadn't been paying attention.

"I know, I know! We'll just have to ask for directions!" She snapped. The heroine jumped off Julia and started walking towards the two shadowy figures behind the large tree.

"Hey, you…things…can you help me find my way out of this forest?" The two figures jumped out and startled her. It was two small, Deku scrubs. One had glasses and black hair, and the other brown hair.

"Of course we can…Nao-chan…"

"Aoi and Chie? You have to be yanking my chain."

"Nobody is yanking your chain. Oh, Nao-chan! You're SO funny!" Aoi said giggling loudly.

Chie rolled her eyes. "Sorry about that Yuuki, she has this bad habit lately."

"Flirting?"

"No, smoking weed."

"Well, anyway, I need your help to get me back to Dodongo's cavern. So this big chain of events can happen."

Chie rubbed her chin. "Okay, but what do we get in return?"

"RUPEES." Nagi and Yuichi said loudly from sitting on Julia's back.

"Okay, rupees it is. But, I want to meet the princess, so, you have to take me with you! I heard she's beautiful, smart, and benevolent!"

"Must not be Kuga then…which still leaves me guessing. But, fine. I'll take you to her."

"But, you also have to do me another favor…"

"UGH. What is it?"

Chie inched closer to Nao and whispered into her ear.

"Fine, I'll do it."

XXXXXXX

Nao, Nagi, Yuichi, Midori, Dodongo bouncer, Julia, Chie, the author (who was not able to make it, but instead, had Zac Efron take her place), Dr. Drew from celebrity rehab, and Jennifer Aniston all sat nervously in the room.

They all felt their hearts pounding in their chests and the door slowly opened. Aoi walked in.

"Hey guys, what's going on? Who died?"

Dr. Drew was the first to stand up. "Aoi, we have your friends, family, and several assorted strangers here because they love you."

Aoi's confused deku face suddenly turned from a confused one, to a seriously pissed one.

"No…no! I can quit whenever I want!"

Chie had started crying odd shaped deku tears (was that possible?) and also stood up.

"Aoi, this is an intervention."

Aoi tried to back out of the room, but Jen stood up and closed the door. The ex-Friends star shook her head. Aoi clenched her deku fists.

"Aoi please let them read some things to you." Dr. Drew said speaking again.

Aoi said nothing as the "author" started to read something that had been written into his script.

"You are a very nice lady, although it was my sick mind that created you. Smile brightly. Oh…that was an action." He droned on until Nao finally threw him down the "Pit-O'-Otomes" to be brutally murdered by hot, scary, lesbians.

Aoi finally broke down, after seeing that Zac was allowed in the pit, and not her.

"I'm sorry! I promise to quit being a second rate character as soon as possible!"

Nagi smiled. "That's more like it! Now, Chie, as you said, you were going to fulfill your promise…"

"Ah, yes…well, I bid you farewell, Jen and Dr. Drew. See you at next Tuesday's poker!"

XXXXXXX

With Chie's guidance, they had gotten back to Dodongo's cavern with ease. Although Chie was missing Aoi, and waiting for her to get back from "Anime Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew."

All four of them entered the cavern with Yuichi. He stretched out for a minute, and then moved the boulder with a flip of his hair.

"All that trouble…" Nao grumbled. She went into the next room and opened the chest with her sword and shield. She pumped her fist into the air. "Now, I will save mama!"

"Well…actually, there's no need…" The author said.

"Why not?"

"Your mother…was never actually in danger. I just needed something to boost your enthusiasm."

"You're kidding…"

"No…"

Nao shook with anger as she adjusted her cap and walked through the hallway of Dodongo's cavern. Nagi patted her on the back. "It's okay, I mean, you still have banging the princess to look forward too."

She rolled her eyes as she opened the door to the Dodongo's death pit. It looked quite nice, very stylish lamp shades, and a bear skin rug.

"Well…" Nao said quietly. "There's nothing in here. So, let's bounce."

"HAIL RIGHT THERE!" The group turned around as they saw the leader of the Dodongos behind them.

"Haruka-dodongo-san…I think you mean, halt."

There were two, they were the same height (they stood on all fours), but one was small and quiet, the other was a bit…wider, and quite the biatch it seemed.

"So you're the leader of the dodongos…" Nao said with a grin plastered on her face. "It doesn't matter though; I'm going to defeat you, with my apprentice sword!"

Nagi gave her a skeptical look. "You mean, instead of Master sword, you got the apprentice sword? Saddening…"

She stuck her tongue out at him and pointed the sword in Haruka's direction. "Evil beast! Nothing will stop me from getting to the princess!"

Haruka the dodongo merely laughed. "Pitiful whoreish girl! Do not undertake the power of the leader of dodongos!"

"Underestimate, Haruka-dodongo-san…"

"Whatever! I'm still not going to let her pass!" The larger dinosaur type thing snarled.

"She's going to defeat Ganondorf…" The author said in a sing song voice.

Haruka paused for a moment. "If that's the case…go on ahead! If you need ANYTHING, just call me at 1-800-DINOSAURS-R-US!"

Nao gave her a bewildered, yet happy look. Was this girl the definition of bipolar? Who was Ganon? And why did Haruka hate them so much?

XXXXXXX

Nao, Nagi, Chie, and Yuichi were all riding on Julia trying to get to the castle. Nagi had asked for directions back at "Stalfo's Diner", and apparently, they were very close.

"Okay, author. Is this really it? No more detours? No more interventions?"

"Yes, honestly. The castle is right up ahead. I'm not lying anymore."

"But, tell me more about Ganon."

"Nao…you're pushing it. But…fine…Ganon is the evil above all evil. What he can do to you is…insane…he is…he IS…"

"YES!?"

"Mean."

Nao sweat dropped. "Mean? That's all? MEAN?"

"Oui oui, my dear Nao-Link."

Nao was about to retort with a cutting remark, then, she saw it, the castle! They had finally made it! It was glorious, and the princess was inside!

Nao clenched her fist. "It's time, guys. Let's go!"

XXXXXXX

"Princess Zelda" sat on her lounge chair in the castle dungeon flipping through Cosmopolitan and Pop star magazines. Hey, she couldn't help it! Even though she was jail bait, Selena Gomez was hot.

"Princess? You need anything?" One of the guards spoke to her through the food slot in the door.

"Nah, I'm pretty cozy in here." The dungeon had central air, magazines, furniture, women with palm fronds. Let's just say Ganon wasn't very skilled at suffering when it came to the princess.

She was about to take it back and ask for a chocolate sundae (no nuts of course), when she heard sounds outside that sounded like someone getting beat up…kind of poorly though.

"Hello? Who's out there?" She stood up and tried looking through the food slot, but the door was flung open.

"Princess! I'm here to save yo-WHAT!?"

Nao gaped at the princess.

"BIKER DYKE! YOU'RE THE PRINCESS!? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!? I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT TROUBLE TO GET LAID BY THE PRINCESS AND IT'S YOU!"

Natsuki cringed. She was hoping it wasn't Takeda, but she certainly was NOT hoping for Nao.

"You think I like this!? GAH!"

Nao took a few deep breaths. "Okay…calm…blood pressure must not skyrocket…"

Natsuki bashed her head against the wall. Oh dear God, why?

Nao sighed and looked over at Natsuki. "Well…since, I'm here and you're here, can't we just…? Anyway? I mean…I came all this way…"

"HELL NO."

Nao stuck her tongue out and rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I don't do Fugs anyway."

Natsuki put her face in her hands. "Although I don't really want to leave…the rule book states I have to be rescued by you. So…let's go."

"Ara, not so fast, Yuuki-Link-san…"

Nao spun around. "Ganon…so this is why Haruka hated Ganon…"

Shizuru smiled. "I've been waiting for your arrival…" Shizuru didn't really look like Ganon. She had on a funky headband, some Gerudo clothes, and a dark cloak. It made her look all hot and evil in a way.

"Shizuru! You told me you weren't expecting visitors!" Natsuki said pouting.

Shizuru smiled and strode over to Natsuki. "Ara ara, my Princess is so cute when she pouts." She cooed.

Natsuki blushed. But she knew one thing that she could do. "Shizuru-Ganon-saaaama…aren't you going to destroy Nao-Link-baka? So, we can have our…princess and villain naughty time?"

Shizuru's grin widened. "Of course, but I want to be the princess."

"No fair! You're always the princess!"

The villainess merely shrugged and then grabbed the staff. "I know this staff is uncanon, but it works…" She pointed it to Nao's throat. "Any last words?"

Nao's throat went dry. She was about to give up when a heroic feeling swept over her. She quickly pulled out her sword, but when she went to disarm Shizuru, the villain slapped it out of her hand.

Shizuru raised an eye brow. "Any other ways you would like to get pwned?"

Nao looked around sheepishly. "No ma'am. Well, if I surrender, can I just leave?"

Shizuru looked as if she was in deep thought, then she looked to Natsuki as if for approval. Natsuki shrugged, so Shizuru made a sweeping motion with her hand, as if to tell Nao to beat it.

"That's it? You give up? You are an ASS and a horrible hero…" The author continued to complain, bitch and moan. But Nao grinned; it was a victory if there ever was one.

XXXXXXXX

_**6 months later…**_

**Nao (Link): **She had given up fighting evil and trying to save Princesses, she now works at Rent-A-Center. She still gets stuck in traffic with Julia, forever regretting being a cheap ass whore. Currently dating Dr. Drew.

**Nagi (Navi): **He quit being a guide fairy. His resignation was a sad one, Bill Clinton acknowledged this, and now every Friday is known as "Nagi is a great fairy" day. Snickers and homophobic remarks can be heard throughout Hyrule every Friday because of this.

**Chie and Aoi (Deku Scrubs): **Aoi was successfully cured of being a second rate character. Chie is still mad at Nao for not introducing her to the princess like she promised. She plans to assassinate her Sunday. On a better note, she and Aoi are currently shacked up in the Spirit temple, which has caused a fuss. The spirit temple community being homophobic and all.

**Yuichi (Goron): **Yuichi continues to move boulders for a recreational sport. He is currently employed at "Stalfo's Diner." He's also looking for a nice Goron girl, so if you want a large, fat, whiny, annoying, Goron who moves rocks for fun…call him.

**Midori (Zora) and Dodongo bouncer: ** Married on June 5th, 2008. It was rumored that Beyonce, Jay-Z, and Morgan Freeman attended the very private ceremony. Surprisingly, Kevin Spacey did not.

**Haruka and Yukino (Dodongos): **Haruka still continues to run her empire of…who knows what. Yukino continues to correct her speech. One big happy family.

**Julia (Epona): **It's been rumored that Julia has been hooking up with a very taken Duran (Married to Kiyohime for 3 years). When asked to comment, she declined. We attempted to contact Duran, but our calls were not returned.

**Zac Efron (The author's fill in at the intervention): **Dead.

**Jennifer Aniston: **Getting back to work, and dating John Mayer. Everyone is very happy for her. You go Jen!

**Shizuru (Ganondorf): **Continues being the crazy ass dictator that she is. She and Natsuki are still happy together. When we went a reporter to ask about it, she slit his throat…so I don't she'll be getting back to us.

**Natsuki (Princess Zelda): **Has moved out of her dungeon and into Shizuru's room. Apparently, tried being the Seme and was forced back into the dungeon for a few days. Word to the wise, Shizuru will ALWAYS be the Seme. You will always be the Uke.

**The author (Our hero): **She is continuing to work on MANY fine works of writing. Currently working on six fanfics and the next chapter to this one, which will have the super "HiME" bros. She is currently single…ladies?

FIN

XXXXXXXXXXXX

XD First off, I apologize to Celine Dion fans…and that's it.

Love it? Hate it? REVIEW IT

Love, peace, yuri. - AFF


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